::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

"you have my sympathy..and thats your privilege"

2003-06-11
there are no easy fixes with me. never have been. i believe that any sort of trust has to be earned, and not just given freely. you can't do me wrong and expect me to bend over backwards to make it all right again. especially if i already trust you. i don't make friends easily either. there is no real reason why..just a few small reasons that may not even be valid ones. i give everyone the same amount of respect, and i hope that in return..people treat me the same way. i never could understand how people get "stood up" or "forgotten." and i really don't think the people who do those things understand how it feels. personally i think there are many different kinds of people in the world. but in my mind it boils down to two kinds overall. the thoughtful, genuine, kind people...and the self absorbed, insincere people. of course, with all comparisons..there is a middle. these are the people i come across the most in life. the ones who are between the t.g.k's and s.a.i's. they mean well, but somehow their good intentions get skewed.

i wish i could say i was easy to get along with. but...sadly...i am not. i have strong opinions, high standards, and an often weird view of life. there aren't many people i've come across that can actually put up with all of it. i hold everyone to a terribly high standard, and if you don't meet that...well then you generally aren't a friend of mine. i wish (for their sake) that i wasn't like this...but it really can't be helped. my tastes in guys vary considerably (i think i spelled that wrong..oh well) and it's very, very hard for me to find the right one. oh i've come close...but usually i find something wrong pretty soon...and thats the end of that.

my relationships with people don't generally get too serious. romantic or otherwise. i try to keep it pretty casual..while at the same time, once i feel close to you..there is no stopping me. i thrive on feeling loved and cared about...but i hesitate to give and recieve it for fear that it shows me as being weak. i'm very independent...and lots of people don't like that. if you try to restrict me...our relationship/friendship will probably end really fast. i hate feeling like i can't hang out with certain people or do certain things because someone doesn't think i should. contrary to popular belief..i am my own person with my own ideas, so let me be me.

i am not opposed to any sort of serious relationship, but i do have a few "rules" that must be followed in order to have that relationship with someone. you have to let me be free: don't ever tell me what i should and shouldn't do, i hate it and chances are that i'll do it anyway just to piss you off. you must have your own life: if you are all about me, then i'll probably get bored and dump you. simple. you have to be cool with me: in other words...you have to be very paitient. i'm not the easiest person to deal with...so keep it cool. you have to trust me and let me trust you: if i can't trust you then there is no relationship is there? you have to be intelligent: if you can't have a good conversation, then don't bother. people who have ideas and opinions are what life is all about...i mean..where would we be today without the battery powered toothbrush? and the last thing is that you have to be different: too many people are trying to be like someone else. i want someone who is totally different then everyone else. it's refreshing.

to a special person: thank you for being there for me lately, i've needed someone and there you are. there is something about you that i can't explain..and i wouldnt want to. no words do you justice. whether you know it or not..you're awesome.

it has been brought to my attention that the layout of my diary/journal may be a bit boring. i was going to change it, but it has grown on me. i don't need to get fancy or elaborate. my words are enough for you to see.

12:22 a.m. ::
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