my theory on "my life"

life is a stuggle. every minute, every second, every day. some of the stuggles are innocent and easy to fix. like what to have for breakfast..or when to get out of bed. some are not so easy though, and those are the ones that tend to do the worst damage to a person. what exactly makes a person anyway? why do people think and feel the way they do? and why the hell is it so easy to forget the important things such as your reason for being in those struggles? i see so many people go through their life and live like they have no cares at all. i've always been big about "living in the moment" and "doing what you feel right then" but only because you miss so many chances to say and do things when you actually think about it. no, what i'm saying is that people don't really see their life for what it is. they take for granted the smallest things, like a smile or a "thank you". people expect life to be black and white all the time. rarely do they look between what seems real, to actually see the real stuff. the money, bills, social standing, job status, cars, house, and material things are not whats real. yes, the consume so much of our life that it's easy to mistake them for the real stuff. i'm talking about health, love, spirituality and emotion. those are the things that are real. very real. too real. when you're surrounded by people who live their lives in black in white, it's easy to get lost...you lose your sense of self. personally, i've always tried to live my life the way i think it should be lived. not for other people, not for success...but for me. yes, i admit it...i live my life for me. i do that because it was given to me. not to anyone else. i also let other people in because nobody can live solely for themselves. while i am the most important thing to live for, there are other people i allow to share my life with me. yes, i allow them to. everyone sees life differently, and so why should i take a chance with just anyone when i can be selective? don't get me wrong here, i am as loving and giving as you let me be...but not to everyone. this may seem twisted and unfair...but such is life.

i've heard from numerous people throughout my 18 years that i have issues. this has always disturbed me because i don't think that i do. i just see things differently than some people do...but i don't think that puts me in that catagory of "having issues." besides, i thought everyone had things they had to deal with? not everyone can be completely comfortable with themselves right? correct me if i am wrong, but i wasn't aware that people were perfect.

i compare myself to people. yep, you guessed it. those damn insecurities. i wonder how things would be if i was someone else. would i have more friends? would i finally find that person who accepts me for me? would i be more easy going? would my family think better of me? the noble, self-respecting thing to say would be "i don't think i'd really change myself" but i'm not sure if i wouldn't. things would be so much easier sometimes you know? mmm hmmm, i am aware that this simple paragraph is contradicting things i said above. no need to point it out. i wish i could blame this mind frame on society and say "well they make it seem like if everyone was skinny with perfect smiles and wonderful clothes that we'd all be happy" but i don't think i would be happy like that. i think it's more of an inner change that needs to be made. i need to be comfortable with my ideas and opinions and like how i look and appriciate the things i say. i don't need to be worried with how others view me right? ideally, thats how it should be. but reality is much greater than ideals.