::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

random thoughts not to be understood

September 21, 2003
when i was younger (okay, to be fair...about 6 months ago) i seriously doubted myself and my contribution to the world. i always thought that i was never good enough for any guy who liked me, any people who wanted to be my friends, and any praise i received always went in one ear and out the other.

yes, i was insecure.

but not in the "i'm ugly and stupid" kind of way, in the "i know more about life than these people will ever know" kind of way. there were a lot of things about my childhood that i kept a secret from people, and i didn't hold myself above others because i had expierienced (sp?) more, but instead i put myself lower because i had to go through those things. i was extremly depressed, insecure, and to make it worse...in denial for about two years. i never told anyone about my depression, i never told anyone about my dad, and i never complained to anyone about my home life. i kept it all one big huge secret because i felt people would judge me.

everytime i would meet someone new, i would always ask myself "should i tell them? do they really need to know?" and almost always, the answer would be "yes"...but i never could bring myself to do it. in doing this, i felt like i was lying. and since i felt like that, i felt like i wasn't being a good friend/girlfriend etc. this, in turn, made my insecurities worse and made me feel like the most dishonest person imaginable. i always thought that if anyone found out, they would think i'd been trying to be something i wasn't and hate me.

now, understand something. these feelings were among some serious depression issues, and my own overactive imagination.

i hope i never become that person again.

honestly, i don't know how to continue this. i just felt like writing about it, and so i have.

7:51 p.m. ::
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