"note to self-always carry straws"-rick
just know that it was an outstanding piece of work.
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no matter how much i think i've changed, there are still some things that will never change. i tend to push people away. when i feel that someone is getting too close, or too "into me" then i just push them away. it matters not how much i like them, or even if i can see a future with them. once it reaches a certain point, it's over.
this is to save me from any potential hurt (or, in my mind, hurt that is destined to come) and yes, it's terrible. i just can't seem to let anyone be that "someone" in my life no matter how much i want them too. i've really liked people before, and had those serious "crushes", but nothing that ever amounted to anything.
someone told me the other day that i "expect too much from people." and you know what? i totally do. why shouldn't i? i don't see myself as a princess or anything, but i think that i deserve to be treated as best as anyone is capable of. in the same sense though, if you treat me too well, then i probably won't like you as much. i respect the fact that love is something that is gained, and not just given out. and if someone is just doing things for me all the time, i think "well, what am i working for here?"
sounds bad, i know. but it's a hard feeling to explain. i grew up believing that things have to be earned, and that means EVERYTHING. and no matter how wrong it seems to anyone else, it's the way it is.
relationships are a huge mystery to me. it's hard to be so open with people about things so personal, and sometimes, it's just not worth it. i can't be somebody's girlfriend without wanting to give 200%, and most of the time..it's just not worth it. it's hard to find those people who actually want to hear what you have to say, who want to see you laugh, who want to do things to please you, and who wants to be with only you. and when you finally do, you have to wonder if it's serious infatuation, or something more.
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i just got back from breakfast with rick, and let me tell ya, getting up early is actually a nice thing. i started out my day right, i got to eat some pancakes, and i discovered sock monkeys.
highlights of the past few days:
1. i almost got killed on wilcox blvd. (yes, this was a highlight..lol)
2. i'm learning how to drive a stick...slowly.
3. i got to dye joey's hair and style it. wooooo baby! i see a future in the hair industry.
4. katie and i are planning some fun times for next weekend.
5. sean paul lives in my room now.
6. my sickness is GONE!!!
