watch me flow

it was brought to my attention this morning that my entries "as of late" are about ten times different then those written in months past. so i decided to do a little re-reading, and discovered that it's true.

for example:

July 1, 2003

it's all coming back. slowly. i am not very willing to deal with it, but i can feel it. the old hurt, the old feelings of anxiety. i don't know what triggered it this time, maybe it was all those bad thoughts running through my head last night. i couldn't sleep for a long time because my mind was consumed with so many things. all bad. am i a bad person? am i doing this for attention? is there something really wrong..or am i making it all up? i don't want to be around anyone right now. i just want to be alone.

end entry.

how strange! i remember writing those words, and feeling those feelings, but seeing them again was...strange.

and now:

September 11, 2003

i know most of you know how i've been lately, but i feel the overwhelming urge to tell you all again. things have been amazing for me this past month. i wake up everyday actually looking forward to getting up and moving. i enjoy being alone without feeling alone. i am not taking myself or others so seriously as i did before. i remember having a talk with becca and she said to me "it may seem bad now, but you will get through this." and i remember thinking to myself "she's crazy." but i did. and while i may not even remember how the bad things started, i remember how they ended. thank you to everyone for being so supportive and loving throughout my crazy year. i did some totally stupid things and was such a downer to be around. and i hope everyone who has been around me in the past month can see the change.

end entry.

amazing!

just thought i'd point that small bit of insight i recieved.

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and by the way, jared never called me sunday. jerk.