the eternal state of being
oddly enough though, the topic for the night was depression.
and it got me thinking.
it's been awhile since i've thought about how i used to feel. i do reflect on it a bunch, for the sake of my entries, but i haven't actually thought about my 'true' feelings in awhile.
i used to like the feeling depression gave me. i used to like being sad, angry, and feeling hurt all the time. of course, i didn't at first, but after awhile it was more comfortable than being happy. if that makes sense. i used to like depressing music, and in a weird sense, being depressed gave me a rush. probably not an adreneline rush, but a rush of something. adderol (hell, i can't even spell it) became my best friend, and crying was just the norm. i was so highly emotional that every single little thing that anyone said or did became a HUGE ordeal. poetry suddenly took on a whole new meaning, and spending my lunch hour in the library was my escape.
i felt so misunderstood, unloved, and a world apart from everyone i knew.
i was desperately seeking someone who was just like me, someone with whom i could communicate my feelings too and just know that i wasn't alone. the people i was close to couldn't help me because i couldn't even help myself, and i sank farther than i could ever have imagined before it got better.
i pushed so many people away, and became isolated and absorbed in my own little world.
the worst part? i couldn't escape.
i knew what i was doing, i knew that my feelings were wrong, i even knew that the 'unprescribed' pills i was getting from my "friends" weren't doing me any good. and yet, i kept it up. for nearly a year, i tried to kill myself twice, i didn't speak to anyone, i faked my happiness, and i got the best grades i'd ever gotten in my life.
due largely to my lunch hours in the library:)
it seemed that everyone i knew was superficial and oblivious to everything. and it only made things worse. i thought to myself everyday "how can i live among such carelessness?" and i didn't want to.
i guess the point where things turned around happened in august.
jeremy had asked my numerous times to attend church with him, and i, had refused. in my current state of being, i wasn't accepting of church and thought that (honestly) they would judge me just as other people had.
from the moment i walked into that church though, i was in tears.
through the whole service, i was almost crying. i felt this overwhelming feeling of love and acceptance from inside that building, and i never wanted to be without it again. that hour and a half that i was there broke down so many walls that i had built up inside of me. i felt as though all of my problems and hurt had been taken away from me, and i was free.
free to just live and be happy.
honestly, it sounds like the perfect ending. good grief, as i re-read this, it truly does sound like some sort of miracle.
and i lost my train of thought....
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i made the best purchase of the month today.
a banana republic skirt-$19.11
score one for me.
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i decided that other day that, instead of guys in jean shorts, my new pet peeve is middle aged men in tight acid wash jeans.
there are just too many of them runnin' around.
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rick-i found a giant "thing 2" today at the mall. i was stoked!
