"deep within i'm skaking by the violence of existing"...(continued from earlier)..
i've been thinking a lot about my writing lately. my topics don't generally have any direction, and i'm wondering if thats a bad thing. i rarely capitalize anything, and i've become a little lazy in the puncuation department as well. my grammar leaves a bit to be desired, i'm sure, and sometimes i just can't remember how to spell.
sometimes, i even write just to write. i just like to type, and it's all i think about sometimes. i think about what i'm going to write about, or how i'm going to tell a certain story. diaryland is a beautiful thing.
the best part is knowing that it's all out there.
i take comfort in knowing that i can write about anything in the world, and still be able to face myself in the morning. sometimes, with people, you can't always say everything you want. you have to edit your words, keep your face neutral, and even mask your true feelings.
online, it's different. who really cares anyway?
there are so many things that i haven't said. so many things i wish i had said at the time because things might be different now. i don't even know how many people read this anymore. i know that ryan used to, but now that he's gone, i'm not sure who else does. are people actually reading this?
there are so many things i've wondered about, but never asked aloud online for fear of..something.
i never could understand the people who had a diary for the sole purpose of just having one. i mean, it's a good place to start, but does it ever become more than that? i read things from other people and wonder where the substance is. does everyone have a boring life?
maybe not everyone is comfortable having their life "out there".
but, my question is, if you can't be honest in your own diary, then where can you be honest?
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this is something i wrote a few months ago. i don't expect everyone to understand, and thats okay:
This letter is not addressed yet to anyone. Whoever gets it will probably be picked at random. The subject line is from a Beck song that I'm listening to...and it fits my mood pretty well right now. I took some time today to think about whats really important to me. There isn't a whole lot that is seriously important to me...but today I thought of a few good things. I've never thought of myself as an unstable person until this year. I started to notice changes in me that I didn't like. I realized that I see things that other people don't. I realized that the true depth of who I am can never be measured; but instead be taken for a good thing. I've learned so much about myself this year. All the things I've been through and things I'm still going through have made me who I am..and I can choose to feel sorry for myself or work with it to be a better person. As weird as it seems, I haven't choosen a path yet. It's harder than it seems. So many people are mindless and unfeeling and their depth doesn't go much farther than what you see. I want to say thank you to everyone who has been hard on me, said mean things, treated me with less respect than they'd treat themselves, and pre-judged me. You guys have made me stronger. There are times when I haven't felt like living. Times when I felt like giving up. Times when I underestimated myself. The point is though, I'm still here. I'm not dead. I've learned how to be a better person, a better friend..and most of all...I've learned how to be totally up front about how I feel. Life is too short to spend it sugarcoating things for people. So..in conclusion I guess..these are totally random thoughts and I'm still not sure why I wrote it all down.
