talking outloud in public
Atlanta was, to say the least, exciting. We laughed the whole way there, while we were there, and part of the way back. I say "part" because I slept for a while. When I awoke though, Erin was talking about boiled peanuts. So I started laughing.
I guess you could say that I didn't do much thinking this weekend.
I enjoyed the company, the food, the driving, the hotel and the mall. I just didn't do much thinking about anything. I just was. I took up space, breathed and spent money. For two days, my life was consistent with those of alomost every other person in the world.
And I can't say that I didn't enjoy myself.
Last night, Rick and I went to Erin's place to hang out and watch a movie. As if the weekend together wasn't enough, we decided that hanging out some more was essential. I wasn't bothered by it, because I wasn't ready to go home yet, and leaving Rick wasn't really an option.
Anyways.
To make a long story short, the night turned into a huge blur. Erin and I became pretty intoxicated and I ended up throwing up on the side of the road.
My reasons for my behavior?
I have yet to fully understand them. I guess there are just times when I feel suffocated. I feel like too much is riding on me, too many things that could go wrong if I make one move to the left or right. I feel frusterated with my lack of progress into the world, and unresolved situations that I have yet to even try to deal with. All of these things add up once in awhile and I get rebellious. I don't want to listen to anyone, I don't want to think about right and wrong, and I surely don't want to talk about it. Eventually, things just go back to the way they were.
Drinking isn't something I do, and it isn't something I promote by any means. I find it to be silly, and a total waste of time and money. Why they even make alcohol is beyond my realm of thinking, and I believe the world would be much better off without it.
I really don't know where my mind is these days. It seems to be all over the place, and I really can't figure out anything. My feelings on any given topic at any given time could range from total seriousness to total chaos. I'm just trying to find my place in the world, my reason for being, and where exactly I stand with our Creator.
It's hard to even think about, because there was a time when I didn't believe we even had a creator. I believed in evolution, the big bang, and my mind didn't really process the idea of being created. I was naive in a way; believing that we just were for no reason at all.
Things are a lot clearer now, and I know that my opinions on lots of things are different because of Him. It's just hard. Hard to realize that I do have a place with Him, hard to know that no matter what my sin is...He'll still love me.
Speaking of love....(See? My thoughts are scattered)...
Rick and I had a talk this weekend.
It wasn't unusual for us to have this kind of talk, we've been talking about it a lot lately. Rick admitted to me that his feelings may have gone beyond the general "I care about you" feelings into something more serious.
It didn't scare me, because I had been thinking the same thing. What does scare me though, is actually being in love with someone.
Maybe that didn't make sense...but I will continue anyway.
Rick and I haven't been dating all that long, and it is my firm belief that true love comes along waaaaaaaaaay after you've been together for awhile. So why, am I feeling these feelings for him after only a short time? That is a question I've been asking myself for quite some time now.
Rick is amazing. To know him is to know what a true friend is. He cares about people, he's considerate, and he just makes a person feel good. When it comes to me, he's all that plus way more. I can't imagine not being with him, or ever not being with him. We already decided that we've known each other for years, and when we each talk about our future the other is in there somewhere. It's strange to think I could actually care about someone else so much. I almost don't want to....
I've dated people whom I thought were my soul mates. I thought that I would marry them, and that they (and they alone) held the key that would "unlock" every part of me. I honestly believed that I would end up with my first love, and that he and I would conquer the world together.
Dreams. I think every girl has them.
Finding out that it wasn't going to happen, wasn't easy. I learned the hard way that love has to be given freely and recieved just as well. Even now, part of me wonders. Part of me is a hopeless (hopeless, people) romantic and I want the fairytale.
What I keep forgetting to realize though, is that I have it. I have the fairytale right in my hands, if I so choose to go with it. Loving and being loved are probably the hardest things for me. I can't figure them out....
As for this weekend...I learned a few good things:
1. Rick cannot do anything (and I mean anything) without my permission ever again.
2. Talking outloud in public is not permitted.
3. Greg drives like a maniac.
4. People who live in Georgia apparently can't drive either.
5. We're from Michigan, so it's okay. (Well I'm not, but this weekend I was)
6. Erin is leaking.
7. And Sheryl Crow is good...very good.
