under the weight of life

I think November and December are my most favorite months, and not because of the holidays. Just because.

I am currently in a state of neutral. I am not moving forward, and I'm not going back. I just am.

Mildly frusterating as it is, I am actually enjoying myself in a way.

I told Rick I loved him last night. It was scary, and I was nervous. I couldn't help thinking that I truly don't know my own mind...and I wasn't telling the truth. My mind works in weird ways sometimes. I think I have things all figured out, and then wham...I get the feeling that I am just as lost and clueless as before.

My problem is that I think too much.

I analyze and analyze until I'm so confused about how I feel that I just give up on it entirely.

I believe that I truly did mean what I said last night, and that scares the hell out of me. I have such a habit of shutting people out, and I don't know how I can handle being in love right now.

But I am.

Man. What are people going to think of me? I've known Rick for, like, two months, and already I have these feelings for him. It goes against everything I've ever thought about life and love. You aren't supposed to fall in love this soon, and you aren't supposed to be nervous and scared about it. Are you?

The worst part, I know he's nervous too.

And what kind of person does all of this make me?

I've made some pretty heavy promises in my day, and saying that I love him breaks every single one of those. Not that I mind really, but hurting someone else is the last thing I want to do.

Could I see myself with Rick in the future? Absolutely.

Could I see myself marrying him? Absolutely.

Could I see myself with him 10..15..20 years from now? Absolutely.

And I hate that. It means that I have to grow up, and open myself up for hurt, and potentially hurt other people.

I never thought I would get over my first love. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through, and even though I've moved on...I can never forget it. And it still stings. I had opened myself up as far as I could go, and was ultimately rejected. Do I want to go through it again? Do I really trust my own feelings? Should I follow my heart, or my head?

It sounds like I'm confused. And maybe I am. I'm just scared.

Maybe neutral isn't a good position to be in. I'd rather be in drive, or even in reverse. At least something would be happening...I wouldn't be so confused and sitting here.

Damn metaphors.