::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

If only I had a pencil to chew on...

January 18, 2004
I have a problem.

Okay, to be honest, I have lots of problems. This one conquers all though.

I can't seem to get out of my own head.

Yes, it sounds scary...but it's a terrible problem that I've had for years.

Everytime things are going good, or are about to be going good, my mind starts working all funny.

For example:

Every relationship I've ever had. There has always been a point (or sometimes, a few points) where I start to feel bad about it. I start thinking that it's never going to work, or that I'm not good enough, or that he isn't good enough, or that we're going nowhere, or that every fight we have is my fault.

Another example:

Before I travel. I'm so excited to get there and excited about my plans, but then I start worrying. What if I lose something? What if I spend too much money? What if I forget something important? What if I miss my flight?

Also, I'm about to start school again in the fall, and for the longest time I was excited about it. Now, I'm not excited at all. I keep thinking about how I'm going to pay for it, if I'm going to do good, how my work schedule is going to change, and how I'm going to fit it in to an already busy life.

I can't seem to relax about anything...and there seems to be no way around it.

The worst part? People I love are suffering because of my insecurities, and I keep insisting (to myself) that all of this is normal.

Monica, can I borrow some of that confidence?

2:54 p.m. ::
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