::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

This is important: Listen up!

May 23, 2004
My friends are great.

They're so funny and supportive...it's hard not to think they're great.

Kevin likes to sing off key to Avril, Jeremy likes to poke me in the side, and Issac laughs like nobody's business.

Today at work, Jeremy was calling out the names of orders over the mic. Not a fun job since people can never remember their own names, but someone has to do it. While he was calling out the name "Jim", Isaac decided to "grab" him and Jeremy ended up calling out "J-IIIIIIM" over the mic. We were all on the floor laughing...except for Jeremy who said-"That was good man, even if undeserved."

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I've lost weight the past couple of weeks.

I've been meaning to slim down for swimsuit season, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Now, it's no big deal. I went down in a pant size, and managed to pull off an outfit yesterday that I'd been dying to try (but hadn't had the nerve to until now).

Swimsuits, here I come!

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I met a guy named Mark today. I had to train him at work, and he turned out to be a decent person to talk to.

He's into nursing, so we talked about that for awhile (more about that later) and he goes to my church, so we really had stuff to talk about.

I noticed that he sweats a lot, but I suppose I can deal with that in return for some good conversation.

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Two totally random people came up to me today to tell me I was "beautiful".

I swear, I had no idea who they were and had never seen them before (well, I'd seen one before) and they just walked right up to me and were like "You know what...." I was stunned.

God, thank you for the ego booster.

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Alright, on to the more important things that have been running through my head today.

I decided that I'm okay.

I have a plan now, and I'm feeling better than I have in days. I've had a hard time coming to terms with some things, but I've done some thinking (a LOT of thinking) and sorted some stuff out:

I think I'm a good person. I really do. I think my intentions are always good, and although I make mistakes sometimes, I think I'm generally a good person.

I have a lot of growing to do. My ways of doing things are somewhat off, and so I'm not going to do them anymore. I'm going to communicate my feelings to anyone and everyone with the best of my ability, and try not to step on toes in the process.

I want to give my life to God. Over the past year, I've been going to church and doing bible studies..but I don't think I ever realized how important it was to actually give your life to Him. I want to be like Him in every way: Loving, compassionate, caring, honest, willing to give to others. I feel like I have those qualities, but I need to extend on them. I need to incorporate more of God in those things instead of myself. And so that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to fix my relationship with Rick even it if hurts me. I am not willing to give up something so wonderful because of the hard times. I want someone who will come to church with me, pray with me, listen to me, laugh with me, be my friend and love me. I have never had a relationship so intense or loving, and I'm not willing to give up. Even if we only wind up as friends, I have to try.

I'm letting go of those people in my life who haven't done much but hurt me. I can't continue to hold on to the past if it doesn't mean much to me anyway. I have to let go of all the hurt and anger that is behind me and move forward. I'm letting go of my past mistakes and moving on. I'm letting go of those hurtful people and no matter how much they meant to me before, I have to move on. I have to because who's going to be there for me tomorrow? Who is going to be there for me a year from now? As much as I hate to admit it, friendships die. My good intentions aren't there, and I shouldn't have to feel guilty or feel like I owe anybody anything.

I'm going to look ahead to the future and smile. I'm not going to be scared, and I'm not going to run back to where I was. I'm not going to turn to those people who bring me down for a false sense of security, and I'm going to do it myself. I've decided that I want to study nursing at Southern, though I may not do it until January. I have to go for the best if that's what I want to be. I want to study under God, and in a place that wouldn't threaten to bring down my faith.

And most of all, I'm going to try and help people understand who I am. I'm not giving up on what I care about, and I'm not going to fool myself any longer. I know who I care about, I know what I care about and I'm not going to have a little girl mentality about those things anymore.

5:03 p.m. ::
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