::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

I am freakishly uptight sometimes.

October 28, 2004
There really was a time when I thought I'd make a good hippie.

In fact, for at least three days I was obsessed with the thought. Somewhat like Monica, my addictions and obsessions get a firm grasp on me for awhile and I completely wrap myself up in the idea...and then it's gone. Quick as it came.

I went to hear a band play tonight. They're called Seeds, and a total group of hippies. I loved it. They praised God, danced, and you could tell that they were really feeling the spirit. Being the somewhat uptight individual that I am, it took me awhile to warm up to them and the people that surrounded me. I was very much in another world, and it wasn't one that I was familiar with. Even so, the music was inspiring and just for the simple fact that they loved God..they won me as a fan.

New things are nice.
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I'm back into my artist phase right now.

It comes and goes, and with each relapse, my taste seems to differ. Last time, it was painting glass. This time it's watercolors and decoupage.

We'll see what kind of masterpiece I can come up with this time.
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Things are going better what earlier this week. Not exactly wonderful, but it's my fault. I have the power to change how I feel, and I don't seem to have the strength to do it.

I had a long talk with Justin last night. About lots of stuff. Being older than me, he has an outlook that I don't, and offers a lot of advice. I haven't been happy with myself lately, and it's mainly because I think too much about stuff. I think back to things my friends have said, things that Rick has said, and things that I truly know about myself. It doesn't matter if it's silly to dwell on things or not, because truthfully, that's how I am. I just want to be a good person, and have other people feel the same about me. Knowing that it might not be the case makes me feel awful, and I've been having the strongest urge to sit down with people and explain everything that I can. I can't make people like me, but I just don't want them thinking things that aren't.

Hmmmm. I'm losing the real issue here.

I don't know where this need for acceptance comes from, but it's there. I want to know that all the people that I care about, care about me too. There are so many people in my life that I'm unsure of, and it kills me. I have so much love and respect for every friend of mine, and even though I make act a bit crazy and sarcastic, I honestly want them around. I'm not trying to be something I'm not, and that makes it worse because I feel that if I was trying to be someone else..then people would like me more. So basically, it's a constant circle of "should I? or shouldn't I?".

I know, I know. I shouldn't.

Regardless, just for the record, I really do care for you guys. I've argued with some of you over dumb stuff, had crazy fights with others, and kept my silence far too long.

9:00 p.m. ::
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