A change of scenery might be good..

As much as I'd like to think myself a changed woman, I know that I will never be able to escape all that haunts me.

Sucks actually, because I would love to be able to put everything behind me and move on. All my journal entries mean nothing if I continue to dwell on the past....even after saying I'm going to let it go and move on.

I have moved on though. I've let lots of things go, and put lots of thoughts and feelings away because they just aren't healthy. I have changed a lot of things about myself, and for those I am proud...but there will always be those things that continue to follow me. And it is those things that I carry with me and dwell on, especially on days like today.

I believe that everyone goes through days of depression. It's the way life is, and it will never be as perfect as intended. Somehow though, waking up and moving around seems like such a chore. I didn't want to get up today, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I certainly didn't want to go shopping. But I did. I did all of those things because if I had acted anything less than the "don't think about what you're doing, just go out and do it without a care in the world" attitude that irritates me to the very core...I would have slid into a deeper state of depression than is needed.

And I just didn't want to.

I could feel it creeping up, and I didn't want to give in. Unfortunately, without realzing it, I did.

I fell where I always fall, and I'm pissed. Pissed at myself for carrying my self destructive attitude in my back pocket, pissed at what I'm capable of doing in a mood like this, and pissed that I'm upset enough to write an entire journal entry about it.

Who cares anyway?

Just give me wings so I can fly the hell on outta here.