::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

The journal entry of one who is 'oh so tired'

February 06, 2005
I have some serious issues with tardiness. Serious ones. I need to nip these in the bud before they become a problem...or a bigger problem than they already are.

Too bad I have wretched insomnia and can't sleep 'til the wee hours of the morning....just about the time I'm supposed to be getting up.

Why can't I have normal problems?
-------

Currently (and supposing it'll stay that way), I am single.

This has given me much time to reflect on the relationships I've had in the past seven months, and to realize that with the exception of one, they didn't mean a thing to me.

This is somewhat of a cause for alarm, as an unfeeling nature is not my style. Be it dramatic, tearful, or angry...I always have some emotion on any given topic..and the fact that I have paraded around for seven months without a care in the world as to whom I may or may not be hurting...well, it's worrying.

I've been keeping my distance from people. There is no need to get back into something as hurtful as the last, and the way I see it, it's just not worth it. I really wish I had it in me to start over again, but I don't. I'm better off alone, and I'm better off with my guard up. Way up.

There was one guy though. One guy since Rick that made everything better. We didn't really date, but we spent two months together. Two glorious months of escaping everything that used to matter...and suddenly didn't. It was fun, and the more time I spent with him, the more attracted I was. He was smart, funny, motivated, and comfortable with who he was. He wasn't in my group of friends, and had I brought him around...it would have been over looooooooong before it actually was.

I should have realized that sooner, and kept my emotional distance that I had promised myself I would...but I didn't. He was much older than me, and seemed to have so many answers to things that I couldn't even fathom. I knew I'd never want to marry him, and I knew that the relationship would never last...but when it ended, I was hurt. Much more than I let on.

So now, five months after that, I'm still being careless. I have serious doubts that any man could ever come to love me the way that Rick did, and doubts that I could ever love them back. Very few people have ever seen what he saw in me from the beginning, and now that it's gone, I don't think it will ever return.

Ah, well.

Go Patriots.

2:03 p.m. ::
prev :: next