No, I don't want to talk about it.

Every single person working at Starbucks heard my rage this afternoon, and probably a couple of customers as well. It was something completely out of character, yet, something I'm prone to doing.

It reminds me of that song "Hows it gonna be?" by Third Eye Blind. At least I think they sing it...

I'll be the first to admit that I have insecurities. I think lots of people do. However, that doesn't make me an insecure person. It makes me human. Imperfect. Me.

I really don't even know where to begin right now.

I'm a cross between raging mad, and very sad. Mad because I feel like I've been wronged, sad because it's by someone I trust and adore.

I'm listening to Incubus right now. It reminds me of the summer I met Ryan. That summer that led to much self discovery, second guessing, and self loathing. I learned that it really is just me in this tiny little world of mine, and inviting others in is just a fruitless stab at happiness. I have to want people here, and need them around. Mostly on the basis of keeping my sanity, but also because everyone needs someone else...regardless of how many times they try to deny that fact.

The words to "Nice to Know You" are running through my head right now...great.

My dad once pulled my aside during one of Seth's visits to my house. He said to me "I don't know what happened with Rick, but don't mess this one up. I really like Seth...so don't go acting all needy or anything. And don't take that the wrong way." It killed me, because honestly, ultimately what happened with Rick was that I annoyed that crap out of him by calling and trying to work things out. He didn't want them worked out, and I wanted it so badly because I believed that love can work anything out. I was wrong. And I lost.

Maybe in my "starry eyed kid" existence, I want everything in life to be that easily worked out. I truly believe that with a little heart and a little love that anything can be fixed, and that most people are too lazy to take the time to do so. It's that outlook that has annoyed past boyfriends and brought them down to a point where they can't stand to hear me say another word. It's hurtful, it's full of mean words, and it's sad.

I used to think it was just me, meeting the wrong people. Sadly, there is no denying the fact that nearly every relationship in my life has ended that way. Hurtful. It seems that nobody wants to take time on me, and if they decide to initially, they soon realize that it's easier said than done.

Does this make me sad? Kind of. Am I feeling sorry for myself right now? Not really. It's just a way of life, or as some might say: inevitable.

Mmmmmm.

It was fun while it lasted.