::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

Travel Diary 12

July 17, 2005
For reasons unknown to me, my feelings have changed.

I know, I write about it a lot. I talk about it a lot. I think about it a lot. That's because it consumes me, and it penetrates the very core of who I am. It IS me. My thoughts and my emotions...they make who I am, and whether I like it or not...they need to be dealt with and worked through.

I have overcome a lot of things here at camp, and it's been amazing. I have learned that not everything is as important as the emphasis placed on it, and that I hold the keys to my future...nobody else. I have learned that it's easier to love than be hurt over things beyond your control, and that my relationship with God is completely my own. I have learned that I can be strong and happy without being sad...and I am the only one who is living my life.

Should I have known these things already? Probably. However, I'm happy that I'm learning (and I'll even go as far as to say relearning) these things now, and not five years down the road.

I have learned that I DO want to dance at my wedding, and I DO want to love and accept everyone, and I DO want to live a life of happiness with someone who holds the same standards that I do. I don't want to settle for someone just because I feel that there is nobody else, and I don't want to compromise who I am for any reason.

Being here has taught me that I want to live. And not just live, but enjoy life. I can be anywhere in the world and be completely happy as I long as I remember to bring God with me. Being here has reminded me of all the things I've wanted to do in the last few years, and I want to do them. I want to travel, I want to learn, I want to work and earn my keep, and I want to love. I want to meet that person that I'm supposed to meet, and I want to share all of the above with them. I don't want to worry about the end, and I don'�t want to question it on any day of the week.

I want to love people. I don't want to judge them. I want to be perfectly happy being who I am, and believing what I do. I want to go to sleep at night and sleep peacefully knowing that I haven't done a single thing I'm not proud of; and had I done something that I couldn't be completely happy with, that I had taken it to God and fixed it.

I have learned that I can move away from my comfort zone of family and friends and be okay. I can survive, and I can be happy. It's a feeling that I'm not used to, and I'm learning to love it. Love it and embrace it.

So where does that leave me in a month? No camp, no new friends, no crafts building every day. Where does all of this newfound knowledge leave me? Would it be strange if I said I was perfectly happy not knowing? I'm going home in a month and I have no idea where life is going to take me and I'M NOT WORRIED...is that strange?

I feel like I have my entire life ahead of me, and I'm no longer stuck in a dead end place. I'm excited and nervous with anticipation while, deep down, I know that whatever is coming next is going to be amazing.

So this camp, with it's whacked out showers, ant ridden rooms, mosquito infested campfires, and "No Dancing" rules...this camp is my oasis. My little slice of heaven.

1:36 a.m. ::
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