Don't know where she belongs
It's an endless cycle of things that I didn't ask for, and yet, here they are. Handed right to me. On that ol' rusted silver platter.
My younger brother (the eighteen year old one) IM'd me when I got online about ten minutes ago. It blindsided me for a few reasons. One: I was only getting online to check something, not to have a conversation with anyone. Two: I haven't thought about that part of my family in awhile. Okay, I've thought about them, but those thoughts couldn't exactly be called actual thoughts...more like fleeting memories that skip across my mind's eye like butterflies on a breezy day. No reason, no path. Just there and gone.
However, those memories aren't pretty like butterflies. They are painful, ugly at times, and I try my hardest not to let them become seeds in my brain. If left too long, they have great potential to become unreasonably big...and I just won't permit it.
My mother. I don't talk about her to anyone, I don't talk to her, and I certainly don't waste much of my day thinking about her. She's caused too much hurt in the lives of people that I care deeply for, and I refuse to let her do it to me in my adult life. In order for me to be happy, I have to store every thought and feeling that deals with her in the darkest and deepest corner of my heart. The one that is so nicely hidden that it can only be found when I search for it willingly and with the seven secret keys that unlock it all.
Yes. It is that big of a deal to keep it stored away.
And to accomplish this, I must cut ties as well.
Talking to my other two siblings is far too difficult at this point. They don't understand a thing about who I am, are too protective of our mother, and refuse to see any other side. I just don't have the energy or will to defend who I am and why I've made the choices that I have. So I don't.
And I suppose that, deep down, they wish that they knew me and that they understood...and that's when they reach out, like tonight.
I just don't want it though. I want to love them, and I want to be a family...but I can't.
I just can't.
