Deliver me.

It's really what life is about. Conflicting emotions, that is.

Until today, I was still feeling what I always feel. It's hard to explain, but my emotions are always different on opposite sides of the country. My way of dealing with things is different, and while my outlook on life is the same, I carry myself differently back in Tennessee. I suppose I'm just good at adaptating to my surroundings, which is a relatively new concept for me.

Here, in Seattle, life has a completely different pace. Last night when I was downtown, all I could think was "Wow, I love this city." It's cold, it rains a lot, and it's hard to drive anywhere without yelling at a few cars. The city literally moves right along with it's inhabitants, and it's quite an amazing feeling to be a part of it.

In Chattanooga, it's very different. Life is much slower paced, traffic is never as bad as it seems, and it's easy to get sucked into the 'hum drum' lifestyle. While it's beautiful, I believe that beauty isn't simply limited to scenery, and past the wonderful green colors is where Chattanooga is lacking. It never held the same magic for me like Seattle does.

I have been going nonstop since I arrived. The first few days were a whirlwind of unpacking, WalMart trips, and expectations that were never met. After that, I left for North Idaho, and though it was relaxing and more than I had hoped for, it showed me that I haven't changed as much as I would like to believe. I came back here two days ago, and with late nights and the New Year celebration, I haven't had much time to think beyond what is right in front of me.

Until today, I was living more "out of body" than in.

I am sad. Not for what I have lost though, but for what I have gained. I am blessed beyond my expectations, and expectations are dangerous things. Those and conflicting emotions. Dangerous.

I finally have what I have wanted for so many years, and I have no idea what to do with it. In many ways, I am the most self destructive person I know....also dangerous. More so because I realize it, and plan to do nothing to fix it.

What I really need is that kindred spirit; that living soul who knows what it feels like to die on a weekly basis; that non judgemental personality who knows what I mean when I say that "I am truly in love with life, but my love is so deep and passionate that it is often misunderstood for discontentment and resentment."

Oh, the conflicts that play on our emotions. Life.