"Let the rain fall, I don't care."

I always have, and tonight was no exception to that.

I am finally making friends, and three of my favorite people worked tonight. We had a blast doing silly things, taking random pictures, and making funny jokes. I feel like I am finally fitting in, and it's really cool.

Today, I wrote a nice long entry on myspace...and it was deleted. I was pretty angry, and since I didn't have much time left, I just went to work. Now however, I am going to update you on what's been going on.

Becca (my older sister) called me eight times this morning. Since I had drank a lot of coffee yesterday at work, I had stayed up late...therefore allowing me to sleep in today. So naturally, everytime the phone rang, I pulled the covers over my head and ignored it. Finally though, I did wake up and call her back. I already knew why she was calling though, and I wasn't in a hurry to talk.

A few weeks ago, our mother called us with the news that our little sister Elizabeth was pregnant. Naturally, this sent the two of us into emotional frames of mind. Becca was sad, and I was mad. My little sister is only sixteen, and having her pregnant is the last thing that this world needs. Finally, it came to our attention that her doctors appointment was actually today, and everything would be confirmed then. So we'd been holding onto the slim hope that it was all a mistake.

Well, today it was confirmed. Elizabeth is, indeed, pregnant. At sixteen. My reaction has gone from anger, to sadness, to frustration, and finally to disgust with the entire situation. Although her birthday is next month, and she'll be seventeen, she didn't deserve this. Not that she didn't bring it on herself, because she totally did, but she didn't deserve this life.

When I was younger, I used to be so angry that my younger sister and brother had our mother when I couldn't. I was angry that they got to know her when I didn't, and they got to experience their lives with a mother I didn't have. It caused so much anger inside me that I became someone I hated, and did things I never should have done. It was only when I turned eighteen that I realized I didn't need her anyway. I had gone through sixteen years without her, and I certainly didn't need her to be a part of anything then. I came to terms with everything, and then I let it go.

The news of my little sister brought it all back again, but this time with more anger than I knew I had.

Our mother wasn't the best example. She was not a good role model, and she didn't even try to be. She lied countless times, was dishonest in many other ways, and is a person I have hoped to never become. My older sister and I have, luckily, rose above it for the most part by leading lives away from her. I was lucky enough to never grow up in home with my mother, and I should be thankful that our contact has been limited for as many years as it has. I would not be the person I am today if I had known my mother, and that thought angers me more than I could ever express. The fact that my nineteen year old brother and sixteen year old sister will not have high school diplomas makes me sad. The fact that my youngest sister will have children before I do makes me sad. And the fact that I can literally live my life daily and not think of my mother makes me sad. I know that she will never be invited to my wedding, and she will never know my children. Yes, I am that angry with her.

I also call myself a Christian. I am loving, and forgiving, and loyal, and honest. I love all kinds of people, and believe that I have the ability to see the good in everyone. I enjoy my life more than anyone knows, and I love every single bad day and argument I will ever have. If only because it means that I am alive. I aspire to do great things, meet great people, and do something good with myself. I thank God when good things happen, and I try really hard to understand Him when bad things happen. I wonder about Him daily, and I wonder about all His promises for the future. And still, I am a Christian.

Yet, I can't forgive her. Possibly the one person in the entire world that I cannot forgive; my mother. God works on me all the time, and it's entirely possible that good things will come out of my sister having a baby. It might bring some unity to our family, and my neice or nephew could turn out to be the most amazing and kindest world leader that we have ever seen. I am hoping to see the good in this, because without it, I fear that my feelings will harden even more.

So that is where I am. Confused, hurt, and wanting to just forget it all and focus on right now. I have so many good things going on in my life at this moment, and ruining them by bringing the past into the here and now is almost unreal.

And yet, it is part of who I am. And why I am who I am.