::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

Yee.

January 28, 2006
I need to take a good long drive.

A good long drive with music and my thoughts.

I can't though, because my cd player is out of order (putting it mildly) and there would be no music. Only silence...and I can't handle the silence right now.

I miss Heather Lynn. She never would have stood for my behavior last night, and had I been with her, it never would have happened. I should probably brush my teeth again and go back to bed....but again, I can't.

I have slowly been driving myself up the wall lately. Those darling people that are so close to me have been so patient, and yet, I fear that they may soon jump ship. Oh, yee of little faith. Yeah, that's me. Yee.

I really am normal.

Normal problems, normal thoughts, normal reactions. I want what everyone else wants. Happiness, excitement, adventure, and love. I want it to be okay that I admit sometimes being lost. Confused, unsure, and sad. That I sometimes think that I don't know God from a hole in the ground, and that the little voice in the back of my head sometimes says to me: It's only you. You against everyone else.

Is that messed up, or what?

Man, I'm lucky my boyfriend is a psychology major...I give it another month. Tops.

Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody reads this journal anymore unless I link to it anyway. I might as well throw it all in here....

I had too much to drink last night. I was angry, and I felt completely defeated and alone. Pitiful, oh yes. Reason to drink, OH NO. Alcohol is a horrible thing, and why people consume it in such large quantities is beyond me. Drinking away your problems is not the answer; sadly enough, last night it was the answer. For about three hours.

It upsets me on many levels.

That kind of childish behavior isn't me at all. I just don't do that. My idea of fun doesn't involve alcohol of any sort, and anyone that knows me well enough knows that I only do it when I'm in some mixed up emotional state. Horrible, I know. Even on my birthday...same story. Though nobody knows that story...

It also upsets me because it's unhealthy. Why go through all the trouble of not eating read meat when I am just going to poison my body with something else? It's just gross. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Again.

It also depresses me. Surprise surprise! I know that it's not me, and I feel like I am letting a part of myself down. How is that for an after school special? So damn dramatic.

Good thing nobody from church or camp reads this....I would stand condemmed. Judged. Whatever you want to call it, that would be me. It's so sick that I already know what people would think. It's kind of like clothes. Clothes are to cover up so that we aren't embarrassed when we look at each other. "Oh my goodness, you can see my fat!! Oh ewww! I can see that awkward little mole on your butt!" I hate feeling covered up. Though emotionally, I have to be. So as not to embarrass those that care; because everyone knows that once you start taking layers away, the eyes avert.

I just need to take a good long drive.

6:35 a.m. ::
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