The truth.

It's as though I have known him my entire life, but after last night, he's the last person I want to talk to.

He said that he cared a lot about me, and that he was so happy that I love him. He also said that he doesn't feel the same way, but that he would eventually.

The pure and utter embarrassment that radiates from my face in this moment. Still. The sting hasn't left, and I doubt that it will for quite awhile.

I have dared to love once. Only once. And that was Rick.

We all know what happened there, no need to recap.

The point is, that was two years ago. Two years of growth, life, experience, and boyfriends that didn't even come close to anything I could love. I loved who they were as people, otherwise I wouldn't have dated them, but I wasn't in love. I didn't trust them, nor let them in. I didn't want to.

Brooks was different though. I knew him, and trusted him right away. Incredibly genuine, smart, motivated, and in no hurry to prove or be something he wasn't. We could have a five hour conversation, and I would never get bored. He would tell me the same story 10 different times, in different conversations, because he forgot that he had already told me. And I let him. I loved hearing him talk. Over Christmas break, I was around him in groups of people mostly. He acted silly, very much like a boy around his buddies, and loud. And I would watch him and think to myself "I know this guy on another level." It didn't matter that I was reserved most of the time, and he was loud. We fit together better than the most perfect of puzzles.

And on many levels, better than Rick and I did.

I wasn't comfortable with my feelings. Naturally, my previous experience kept my guard way up. I'm a very bad liar though, and keeping something from Brooks doesn't make me feel good.

However, right now, I feel like I should have kept it a secret. He was happy I told him, and said that he didn't feel any differently towards me. That he cared a lot, and didn't want anything to change. That he could see himself falling in love with me eventually. Eventually.

It took everything I had to hold the tears back. I let a few go, but instead of tears, I let myself feel anger. Anger for something that isn't his fault...and I kept myself hardened. Today though, the tears came.

I don't know when I'll be able to talk to him normally again. I feel as though I have completely stripped, and am standing before him with nothing. It's embarrassing, and it hurts. More deeply than I could ever express.