::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

"Oh goody, ain't life a blast?"

April 06, 2006
Some days are worse than others.

Some weeks are worse than others.

And today was just another day.

So much has been happening lately, but it's little things. Little things that I notice and pick up on, and they bring about a round of emotions that I am noteven capable of dealing with. I can deal with the day to day hum drum of life, but it's the things that I am not prepared for that throw me for a loop.

Little things. Big loops.

I've been having nightmares nearly every night for weeks. And when I am not having nightmares, my dreams just become loud. Loud enough to make me feel like I haven't slept at all when I wake up. I don't know what's been causing it all, but it has (not surprisingly) affected my mood and handling of situations.

I am glad that I am going back to Chattanooga for a few days. I need to get away, I need to be with people and places that are familiar. It's strange, but I left because I felt suffocated. I needed more, I needed life. And now, I'm glad to be returning to that life....if only for a short while.

I will reluctantly admit moving away wasn't what I thought it would be. It isn't exactly harder than I anticipated, just not as fulfilling as I was convinced it would be. The bright spot? My sister. Having a piece of me so close is such a blessing. My sister is an amazing woman.

And love. Well that is another issue entirely these days. The boy that I shall speak of may or may not still read this journal, and I suppose that if he does, nothing that I say will be new for him. At least, I don't think it will...and so I continue....

I don't think I have ever understood what causes two people to come together. In all my experiences, it's just happened. In all my best experiences (limited to two), it has been completely unexpected and wonderful. Falling in love is even trickier in my opinion. Having dated my share of guys, and having fallen in love only once before, I find love to often be hard and lovely. Hard because so much of yourself is being given, and lovely because you are giving (and freely, at that) and receiving in return. Loving isn't something you do, it's something that is. Having said that, it's entirely possible that my advocating to simply let things be is where the problem lies.

I like to let life go. I like things to be what they are, and I don't like wishing for them to be different. My moving here was the prime example of my own unhappiness with the direction I thought my life was going...and I tried to fix it. My outlook on letting things "be" only came after my move, and the insight I gained from trying to change everything to be the way I wanted. In many ways though, I think love is different, and I have always seen it that way. I have a whimsical way of looking at the world, and I honestly believe that life will work in the favor you wish....if only we let it. Then, there isn't any disappointment. If you just let "whatever happen, happen" and are content with doing so, you won't be unhappy.

And unhappiness isn't something I need much of.

Sadly, every point I have just made could be deemed hypocritical because of the fact that I am currently UNhappy. I have let it all build up, and it's made me unhappy.

So where does that leave me?

A good friend recently said to me: "Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy to those who think."

1:00 a.m. ::
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