Part of a vision; believe and you can.

Sharing my problems with everyone else.

With the exception of this journal, I don't talk much about the things that bother me. This journal is my outlet, and though I know that people read it, I also know that they read because they are interested. Hence, enabling me to speak freely.

What I am unable to do, however, is sit down and literally tell someone how I am feeling and why. Unless it is directly related to that person, I leave everything out. I learned long ago that when someone asks "How are you doing?", they don't really want to know. It's something of a formality.

I consider myself the exception to that (are you really surprised?), and only a few people besides me. Let's face it: we are islands of ourselves.

And so, after saying all of that, I have an entry to write. Sort of.

My littlest sister is less than seven months pregnant. She was scheduled to give birth in August, the doctor predicted July, and she went into labor today. The doctors are keeping her in the hospital, and have given her a shot to speed up the lung development of the baby before it's born.

My grandfather (on the same side of the family) apparently had a stroke today as well.

And Becca (the oldest sister) tells me all of this today as I am cleaning my bathroom.

My reaction? Absolutely nothing. I remained stone faced the rest of the evening, didn't mention a word of it to anyone, no raised eyebrows, nothing. In nearly every conversation dealing with family, I am as cold as ice. Emotion rarely plays a role, and during the times it does....it's ugly.

And it is in times like these that I reminded of how much I resemble my mother.

My mind is on overload.

I don't deal well in stressful situations, though it isn't a secret. I refuse to deal with serious family issues, preferring instead to block it out and play pretend. Those two things put together have me living in a sick fantasy world half the time, and my own version of 'real' in the other half.

Sometimes I wonder if I am really crazy.

And like many unpublished entries before one, I am now at a loss of what to say. I usually end up deleting these.