::Unexpected Liberation::
"drinking coffee; making plans to change the world."

give me a title.

June 01, 2006
I tried to write on myspace. I really did.

However, with the exception of my friends and how much fun we have making jokes back and forth, I hate myspace.

I hate the myspace blog even more.
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Okay.

Here's the deal.

I am not afraid of much. In fact, you'd be hard pressed to find something that I am completely terrified of. Aside from the thought of karaoke and fingernail clippers, I'd like to think myself pretty fearless. True story.

However, I have a much bigger fear then those damn fingernail clippers, and it has only surfaced recently. Much to my dismay.

My mother. I am absolutely terrified of becoming her.

My entire life was filled with one lie after the next, one manipulation after the other, and broken promises galore. She had four different children with four different men, was married twice more, and never hesitated to pawn her little "problems" off on everyone else. She is a woman I never knew on many levels, and knew too well on others. I loved and wished for her for many years, until finally coming to the realization that I was better off without. I had become someone that she couldn't touch, and reveled at the thought.

However, now, I realize that she may affect me even more than I previously knew.

My personal relationships suffer. I will only allow myself so much closeness to a person, and then it slowly starts to diminish. I refuse to settle for anything, always wanting more of everything, and I push the limits of it all.

And please excuse my candor....but being intimate with anyone? Forget it. I have a mental block in my head. It only goes so far, and then I turn off every emotion. An endless string of men? Failed relationships? Four babies daddies? Hell no, I can't do that to myself. So up goes that wall.

And it's only recently that I've realized that I have always been this way. Except it's always been in my subconscious...a dangerous place for feelings to lie.

I'm scared. Terrified. Of becoming the one person in this world that I hope to never see again.

But try explaining that to a boy. Trying explaining that you're scared of becoming something you aren't even close to, let alone fathom on any sort of real level....but knowing it exists anyway.

It's the crazy talkin'.

Or pretty damn close, anyhow.

11:01 p.m. ::
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