Everyone needs their own personal soundtrack
That, or "Bohemian Rapsody" by Queen....
Anyway.
The song holds no real purpose, or even meaning, I just like it. And I suppose if there was a real soundtrack to my life, there would be more than one song. Because ultimately, each stage of life (or part in the movie) is represented by a different song.
There has been much that I've been unwilling to admit lately. So much, that it's been killing me to keep it in and dwell on it alone. I have, however, talked to Monica (or rather, wrote her a letter) about some of it...but for the most part, I haven't wanted to talk. There is dignity in silence somehow, and we all know how precious that is.
I'm excited for 2005. I'm happy that this year is ending, and I can begin next year alone. The bad has certainly outweighed the good, and I'm glad it's ending.
I've made a few important decisions concerning next year, and while they will hurt, I can't help but want the best for myself.
I'm going to cut ties with my mother. She has yet to know this, but the woman has yet to know anything dealing with my life, and I doubt she'll notice. For eighteen years, she has caused incredible pain in my life and made things much harder than they had to be. My relationships has suffered because of her, I have suffered because of her, and I have to let it go and move on. There is no greater loss than the one of a mother, but I can't miss what I never had. So it needs to be done.
I'm going to forgive those whom need forgivness. I've lost a lot this year, and the hurt has been utterly consuming. I was so in love, and blinded, that I didn't realize it's possible it was never there to begin with. God will take care of me, and I just need to give it to Him and move on.
Alanis says it best:
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...
Of course, it doesn't ALL apply to me...but you get the point.
So my plans for the New Year are pretty huge, bigger than I've written on here (obviously) so we'll have to see how it all pans out.
The Soundtrack of My Life
1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams-Green Day
2. Pain-Jimmy Eat World
3. Let's Get it Started-Black Eyed Peas
4. Hallelujah-Rufus Wainright
5. Splurge-Nelly
6. One Hand in my Pocket-Alanis Morisette
7. Bouncing off the walls again-Sugarcult
8. Daughters-John Mayer
9. Song that Jane likes-Dave Matthews
10. Drive in, Drive out-Dave Matthews
11. Just a Ride-Jem
12. Take it All-Trust Company
