a lifetime of regret...a lifetime to change.

i'm really having a hard time. i don't think i can put it any more blunt than that. i can't even put into words what i'm feeling right now, but i feel compelled to write about it because it's such a strong feeling. there are so many words going through my head..and i can't to put them into sentences. i want to pour it all out while i'm typing. but i know i can't. i used to feel like such a burden to people. i used to feel like i was nothing to anyone, and that whatever happened to me would never be 'that big of a deal'. i used to feel so different from everyone because i carried around secrets. secrets about myself, and my life. the people around me were so open about things, so carefree. and i never was. of course, i was silly around my friends...but that was never real. i always felt so bad about myself because i was never "real" with people...and i felt like a terrible person. everyone always strives to be some aspect of perfect, and i never was. i've recieved bad grades in school, i've lied, i've cheated on boyfriends, i've said things behind my friend's backs and i've done things i've known would hurt people. but i've also learned that these things do not make me a bad person. i will never be perfect, and i will never be the best at anything. and i'm alright with that. i still seek the approval of others, but not because i'm insecure. because it feels so good. a total contradiction i know...but i really can't explain myself any better. i know that i will always be there for my friends, and when it comes down to it...i will always tell the truth. even if only to myself. i've done so many things wrong, and sometimes it seems as though i will never get passed them. sometimes those mistakes seem so huge that they follow me everywhere. i know i am a good person though. a person who deserves to be loved and to love in return. a person who deserves compliments and has earned the right to spoil herself. call it an ego if you must, but i prefer to say it's "coming to terms" with myself. there are sooooo many things i have left to deal with, but why not start with myself? in the end, thats what it boils down to anyway.