Oi

I mean, really. Why?

I have enough stress, enough pain, and more than my share to deal with right now. Of all the days in the world, why did my sister have to IM me today??

My family has always been far from perfect, and for years, this fact caused me a lot of pain. It wasn't until a few years ago, that I realized no perfect families existed. I always thought that mine was the worst it could be, and nobody else compared. As I got older, these facts became painfully obvious, and I struggled for years to find my place.

As I've talked about before, my senior year of high school was the turning point. It all boiled down to that year, and after it was over, I was left with a sense of peace. My mom had come for my graduation, and for some insane reason, I was expecting it to be different from every other time I had seen her.

It wasn't. Just like every situation in my life that involved her, it was painful. She wasn't into hanging out much, and she left the night of my graduation. It was the perfect end to my "perfect" year. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. I hoped that since I was older, things would be different...but no. She left, and I finally realized that I didn't need her. All my life, I had kept her close to my heart, hoping that she would someday turn into the mom I wanted her to be. I turned everyone else away, I pushed my stepmom away, and I kept my heart hard in search for the missing piece. Realizing that I could live without it was a good feeling.

For a few months at least.

I had graduated in May, and my birthday is in December. I didn't hear from her again until December 10th...almost eight months. Totally typical of her, and it hurt me deeply. I am a child in a family with four children, and I can't expect to be remembered everyday. For some reason though, I wanted to be. I wanted to feel special and loved, I wanted her to remember me and know what was going on in my life. Crazy, but it's been this way all my life. She has always forgotten my birthday, Christmas, and every "in between" holiday imaginable. For some reason though...I thought that this time would be different. I had graduated! I was an adult! Maybe now, we could have the relationship that mothers and daughters had. Nope.

After her December call, we didn't talk for a month or so. Then I decided that I wanted to take Rick to meet her in North Carolina. So we planned it, and went. Bad, bad idea. Rick comes from an awesome and loving family, and meeting mine didn't help our relationship. It was a bad situation, and I forever wish that I could erase it from his memory. We left after a few days, and I haven't heard from her since.

That was Febuary, and it's now September.

So many things have happened since then, and sometimes I think about her..but I try not to. That part of my life causes so much pain, that I don't want to talk or think about it. Today, however, I got a nice little flashback of five years ago.

My younger sister Elizabeth and I got to talking online. And when she asked why I hadn't called lately, I told her that nobody had called me. She asked for my number, saying she would call me sometime, and I told her to ask one of her parents for it. She then proceeded to get mad at me, telling me that I'm not perfect and I shouldn't act like our mom should be perfect. Saying I needed to "grow up" and that I shouldn't call her my sister if I didn't like our mom.

Yeah, it was immature on her part, but I started to cry anyway.

Of all the things to say after months of not talking, she chose those words...and they hurt. My mind is a jumble of thoughts right now, and I feel so much pain just thinking of the past nineteen years. I have seen my mother about six times that I can remember, and my memories of her are broken promises, hurtful words, excuses and a frown.

I DID NOT NEED THIS TODAY!!

I have tried to put it out of my head for so long, and now it's back. Damn. Damn it all.

I don't know what else to say.