Late night television and the thoughts it brings

I was trying to fall asleep, and so I turned on the television. I think it's funny that I can turn it on and fall asleep...but whatever works right?

I was watching a program that was talking about the relationships that people have, and how they are directly affected by the relationships they had with their parents. The point was obvious: You have a bad relationship with one or both of your parents, you're more likely to have bad romantic ones in the future. Of course, this isn't true for all people...but often, it is the case.

And so, it had me thinking for awhile.

My relationships with all of my parents (I have a dad, a stepmom, and a mother) have had some interesting effects on my personal life. I'm friends with very few females, but the ones that I am close to are subject to major distrust on my part. My mother is a huge manipulator and one of the biggest liars I know, and that's all I've known my entire life. She hasn't done a single thing to be commended, and treats my sister just as badly. The difference is, my sister is forgiving and I am not. She doesn't do anything she says, and has never known me at all. My relationship with her taught me a lot when I was younger, and I think that I unconciously carry it over into my other female friendships. I just don't trust them.

Thanks to my sister though, I've gotten better over the years:)

My relationships with men are a completely different story. They often start out well, but always end badly. There comes a point where I start to feel defensive, and take everything and blow it way up. Deep down, I only wish to please, but my independent nature and stubborn ways come out and I refuse to give in. This comes from the relationship with my dad. He always criticized, always pushed, always wanted perfection. I was never what he thought I should be, and so there was always a constant feeling of inadequacy.

So now, whenever I start to feel the slightest sense of a put down, I get angry. I get mad, and I get defensive. Most of the guys don't understand (and I haven't even understood until recently) and give up. I can hardly blame them; having a "too sensitive" girlfriend can be annoying for anyone. Some have stuck around and tried to figure it out despite their frustrations, but in the end, they let go too. It's just not worth it.

The good part? I have the power to change it. All of it. I don't have to be an entire product of my surroundings and upbringing, and that makes me smile.
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